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JONNY STRANGER
2 DREAMS, 2 CRIMES, AND AN OPERATION #1: FIRE AND FAT SOUND = THE HOWLING OF A WOLF CRIMINAL I dream. DETECTIVE I dream. CRIMINAL I dream that I am burn victim. DETECTIVE I dream that I am fat. CRIMINAL I dream in red (fire engine). DETECTIVE I dream in blue (little boy). CRIMINAL I'm burnt. DETECTIVE I'm huge. CRIMINAL You wouldn't notice the scars unless you saw me naked. The burn is from my nipples to my ankles. DETECTIVE I weigh nine-hundred pounds and work for a guy named Dick at a circus side show the freak show of Coney Island The man in the hat describes me as fat CURIOSITY Come inside and see the Mighty Mattilda the fattest girl in the whole wide world nine-hundred and ninety-nine pounds It takes ten men to hug her and a boxcar to lug her CRIMINAL The burns are to the degree of three Stop sign red and nasty looking DETECTIVE I'm so hungry that I could eat my arm. CRIMINAL nobody knows my scorching secret nobody has seen my scars my scarlet scars my body suit of fried flesh my red that reads each spasm my basted broiled, baked and blistered flesh that feeds the passing moments pain in the key of memory DETECTIVE Memory. All alone in the sunshine. Sunshine daydream in the nightmare's wake. I wish I could. I would pinch myself- CURIOSITY -If you could find yourself. DETECTIVE I'm naked on the beach standing in the sand reading Camus and listening to the Cure all alone in a crowd of people they cackle and giggle and snicker and sneer in a mob mentality like frat boys on beer I sink in the sand rolls upon rolls upon rolls of flesh I sink and stink It's almost impossible It is impossible for me to wash between the folds of flesh without your help who ever you are where ever you are If you are- If you- If- SOUND = LAUGHTER CRIMINAL I put a very special medicated cream on my giant scar The stuff helps. It seems to bring out the red. It makes my skin look like a cheeseless pizza. I put it on fourteen-hundred and ninety-two times each hour. It's a bitch. There is this spot. This spot I can't reach. Between my blades. My shoulder blades. There is this spot I've never treated. I have never been able to reach and trying makes my skin crack and bleed. I just can't reach. Can't reach Just can't- reach. #2: COP AND ROBBER SOUND = SIRENS IN THE CITY CRIMINAL An inanimate object an egg beater, a cotton ball, a rubber nipple I kill them each in various ways I take trophies I leave clues I've never been caught DETECTIVE It was a manic Monday I was working the night shift on the corner of Forty-Fourth and Blue avenue CRIMINAL I've never been caught. DETECTIVE I was on the clock. CRIMINAL I've been stalking a certain digital time-keeping device you know the type your standard glowing red numbers that tell you the time behind a window, I watch the clock I wait till midnight and watch till the red reads 12:12 DETECTIVE I watch him watching time If I catch him it will be red-handed, white knuckled and Bluebeardish Weirdish, odd -I wouldn't know what to charge him with Would it warrant a warrant? Would the truth be abhorrent? (or just a little on the disturbing side) And what if he just wants to fuck or what if I just want to fuck or what if we both want to fuck so we fuck and it sucks? What if we never fuck, but should have? What if he thinks I'm a potty-mouth and that I say "fuck" too much? Fuck him! I'll say fuck if I want to. CRIMINAL Shit. I stalk the clock I bide my time like a mime... hands pressed against an imaginary window (except the window is real and the glass is cold) I can see but I can't touch CURIOSITY Have you ever had the feeling you're being watched? CRIMINAL I haven't. I never have. DETECTIVE I clock him going 99 in a 98 zone. I let him slip away. I want to catch him when he's pushing the envelope or pulling my finger. SOUND=FART CRIMINAL My heart races Like the cowboy of American graffiti DETECTIVE I want to give him a ticket. I want to pull him over I want to ask him some questions I want him to stop I want him to roll down his window I want him to put his hands on the wheel CRIMINAL I'm going in. I dress like an exterminator. I bypass the security system. I flirt with the receptionist. I sneak in with a spray can. (The can says, "poison", but it's empty) I put the clock in my pants and walk out Real cool and calm. Like I'm walking on a cloud. None of that cat burglar shit for me, I'm into the old razzle-dazzle I'm an international playboy who supports himself by stealing cheap digital clocks. DETECTIVE I'm on a stake out I order take out from a corner room in a building where people check in and check out Room service bites the big one so I send for sushi CRIMINAL I take home the clock I tie it up I break off the hands I send them to the press but they never print my letters. SOUND = ALARM I kick the clock around and wonder how I ever broke the hands off a digital clock or why I wound it too tight. DETECTIVE I have you surrounded come out with your hands up CRIMINAL I could take a hostage but I don't. I surrender. DETECTIVE My favorite times are the moments of madness when the red and blue lights flash when I arrest and read rights The Village Voice gave me his letter. Inside the envelope were two severed hands the hands of a digital clock Somewhere out there he's torturing that poor little time piece. I gather clues. I hold the revolver and give him rope I hope he will hang himself I find his sock and give it to a bloodhound named Scooby-doo I hop in a mystery machine and ride to the scene of the crime Red and blue lights flashing I wear a bullet proof brazier I have my weapon ready I kick in the door. I rush into the room. I stick it to his head and threaten to pull #3: TRIAL AND TRIBULATION SOUND = LITTLE GIRLS LAUGHING CRIMINAL I'm on trial. I represent myself. DETECTIVE I see him in court I am ashamed CURIOSITY The man who wrote a modest proposal once said that Laws are like cobwebs they may catch small flies but wasps and hornets break through CRIMINAL I am condemned to die CURIOSITY We all are DETECTIVE We are all going to die CURIOSITY Don't panic. CRIMINAL It is my sentence I plead for a pardon I fondle the fuzz that busted me DETECTIVE I play with him in prison I try to take him out like Eddy Murphy in 48 hours but can't get past the guard I go to see Ptaki and show him the photos I shot on a case in Chelsea Pictures of Ptaki making love to a five dollar bill photos of him frying an egg in olive oil pictures of Ptaki smoking cloved cigarettes on a trampoline I blackmail the bastard and bend him to my will while demanding freedom for the man I put away CRIMINAL I play chess with the other inmates I develop my pawns to beat a bishop. We play speed chess we press buttons to stop a special clock if they only knew... DETECTIVE I drive like Tiger Woods to the hole CRIMINAL I've never seen a woman in the joint women have their own prison SOUND = MAN SCREAMS DETECTIVE I have come to set you free CRIMINAL I am free DETECTIVE I've come to free you from your cell. CRIMINAL what about my brothers from the death row chess club. DETECTIVE Do not worry about them. They will be given lethal injections of pure truth CRIMINAL I will come back for my brothers They are all innocent. CURIOSITY Only children are innocent CRIMINAL You know that scene in the movies where the first prisoner who escapes throws the keys to the scraggly old men who have been in jail forever. The escape artist sets them loose to wreak havoc wreck the jail and shame the warden? You know that scene? CURIOSITY There is this episode of Mash where Hawkeye is teaching Radar how to talk to some pristine cultured smart girl. Hawkeye says, "If you get stuck in a discussion about classical music, and she asks you what you think, just say, Ahhhhhhh , Bach." CRIMINAL I don't understand. DETECTIVE So just say, "Ahhhh Bach." CRIMINAL Ahhh Bach DETECTIVE Beethoven wrote an opera for Napoleon CRIMINAL Ahhhh Beethoven DETECTIVE Mozart makes me wet. CRIMINAL Where are you wet? DETECTIVE Are you talking dirty? CRIMINAL All talk is dirty. Every word is inherently a lie Semantics is slimy and language is one big cesspool SOUND = TOILET FLUSHING DETECTIVE I saved your life. CRIMINAL Thanks. DETECTIVE Now what? CRIMINAL I don't know. #4: NURSE AND CURSE SOUND = CAR DRIVING BY DETECTIVE When I was a little girl, I had a lump on my forehead CRIMINAL When I was a little boy I used to take a butcher knife and a bottle of ketchup and stage bloody scenes at the side of the road with my brother. SOUND = LITTLE BOYS LAUGHING DETECTIVE When I was sixteen a plastic surgeon put on rubber and cut out a lump CRIMINAL Tableaus in blood the same blood you put on a hot-dog or a burger DETECTIVE (CONT'D) It was an underdeveloped twin the second half of my sister who never grew up. CRIMINAL Cars wouldn't stop and if they did we ran away in triumph. CURIOSITY Hey you kids! DETECTIVE It was tiny but it had teeth and hair. CRIMINAL Dripping wet with ketchup and sweat DETECTIVE I fainted CRIMINAL I faked it DETECTIVE I'm out CRIMINAL I'm dead. DETECTIVE Cold CRIMINAL I've given up killing clocks. DETECTIVE I quit the police department. CRIMINAL I got my self a steady job. DETECTIVE I show my tits to strangers. CRIMINAL I show my dick to dangers. DETECTIVE I quit the strip. CRIMINAL I quit my dick. DETECTIVE I quit the night. CRIMINAL I quit the day. DETECTIVE I crash CRIMINAL I burn. DETECTIVE I cop some Z's. CRIMINAL 40 winks. DETECTIVE Cat nap turns into coma. CRIMINAL I snooze. I loose. DETECTIVE I grind to find I search my whole body CRIMINAL I crack and peel and find nothing underneath. I remember when you broke me out of jail. DETECTIVE I remember when you watched the clock. CRIMINAL The prison you put me into. DETECTIVE Time bleeds the blood is blue CRIMINAL Until oxygen hits it I remember you You used to be a cop You had a nightstick DETECTIVE and handcuffs you plead insanity and bled my mind CRIMINAL How kind DETECTIVE How queer CRIMINAL I disappear. DETECTIVE I'm lost like the boys in Neverland. CRIMINAL I belong in jail I violate parole I crave incarceration I get what I want DETECTIVE I work with the wounded. I learn about butterfly stitches dressing lacerations and how to suck and spit the poison from a snake bite If only Orpheus knew CRIMINAL I watch the tower and give the guard the finger I hope he shoots me I try to break out but I'm way too beat CURIOSITY A cobra creeps into the courtyard SOUND = GUNSHOTS CRIMINAL Fuck! I'm hit I also got bit shit at and missed shot at and hit. DETECTIVE I nurse his wound I curse the snake CRIMINAL Ouch! Easy. It hurts Easy with the teeth It's okay to use your hands a little lower Yeah, that's it. DETECTIVE Ouch! Easy. It hurts. Easy with the reach. It's okay to use your hands a little higher Yeah, that's it. CRIMINAL Yes SOUND = APPLAUSE DETECTIVE When you are inside me I'm inside out. CRIMINAL Outside the circle I work Under the radar I run I'm lost inside the lips I kiss... DETECTIVE ...when I'm coming out of a screaming yellow cab... CRIMINAL ...and the red neon is reflected in your eyes DETECTIVE I melt down CRIMINAL ice cream in the sun. DETECTIVE Chernobyl CRIMINAL sticky sweet and contaminated DETECTIVE Take off your clothes and let me scrub you I'm wearing a safe suit CRIMINAL I'm the boy in a bubble A cosmic condom surrounds my soul and I fuck the world like the whore of Hollywood Babylon or the motherfucking-multinational-corporate-military-industrial-complex simple... just do the math, dumbshit DETECTIVE Are you talking to me? CRIMINAL the part about the boy in the bubble was directed at you, but the rest was just venting I'm still a boy in a bubble in Brooklyn I stay in my bubble and send out for- SOUND = PINBALL MACHINE DETECTIVE I blow his bubble CRIMINAL I like to have my bubble blown DETECTIVE I blow his bubble and wish it would POP like a lust for life CRIMINAL mickey mouse is a fucking louse He's a no good dirty rat I despise mickey mouse He is the symbol of all that is disgusting about the world You, my dear detective, are the antithesis of mickey mouse #5: FAT AND FIRE SOUND = THE HOWLING OF A WOLF DETECTIVE I'm the biggest girl in the whole world. CRIMINAL I'm one big scab DETECTIVE I'm so fat, I can't find my vagina. CRIMINAL I lost my phallus in the fire. DETECTIVE If you find my twat, you can fuck me. CRIMINAL If you find my dick, you can suck me. DETECTIVE Good morning. CRIMINAL I wake and bake DETECTIVE My alarm goes off CRIMINAL A heat rash DETECTIVE A cold sweat. CRIMINAL No sweat. DETECTIVE no escape my dream self dreams of pumpkin pie and cries because she's fat. I cut my hair into an ugly square a circus tent is my underwear underwater, rising up, I am happy that I float I drink the sea and have to pee a flood for Noah's boat CRIMINAL I survive the flood by eating mud and becoming a volcano and then I get a phone call CURIOSITY I am Doctor Curiosity the God of the Machine The only honest doctor in the whole wide world DETECTIVE We had to leave the city to get the operation CURIOSITY Do you, Detective Merchandise, the mighty Mattilda, solemnly swear to donate the extra skin from your liposuction to this criminal burn victim? DETECTIVE I do. CURIOSITY Do you, Criminal burn victim the burnt out human torch accept the extra skin from Detective Merchandise? CRIMINAL I do. CURIOSITY I pronounce you in a foreign accent you may kiss each other's nipples CRIMINAL I am a dog in the yard DETECTIVE I am a picket fence CRIMINAL I am a bucket of joy DETECTIVE Swung round and round at arm's length CURIOSITY Centrifugal force keeps the liquid from spilling DETECTIVE I am a sloppy wet kiss CRIMINAL I am naked... DETECTIVE and tangled... CRIMINAL in front of the fire DETECTIVE touch me, baby one more time before I fade away CRIMINAL Hold me baby and play footsie DETECTIVE Scold me baby. I'm late for dinner. Pinch me. Ouch. CRIMINAL Pinch me. Ouch. DETECTIVE I'm awake. CRIMINAL I'm awake. DETECTIVE Hit the snooze. CRIMINAL The snooze has been hit. Jonny Stranger has worked in the tobacco fields of Wisconsin, as an environmental activist in Washington D.C., a Pirate on the Renaissance Festival circuit, a bouncer in Austin, TX, and a substitute escape artist at the Freak Show of Coney Island in Brooklyn, NY. Jonny has a BFA from Texas State and an MFA from NYU. He is currently being hired to write a screenplay about a 7 year old Jewish girl’s POV of the Romanian Holocaust and editing Alas, Poor Yorick, his first feature film. (alaspooryorick.com) Jonny lives in Austin, Texas with his beloved canines, Tippi and Uma. |
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