UNDERGROUND VOICES: FICTION - 10/2012
G.N. HARRIS


NOTES FROM A BLACK HOLE

         I have to clean up, have fallen behind, must get the vacuum and the broom, canít let it all get too chaotic, too dirty, I havenít cleaned up, some filth and a slight odor now forming and I need to do something, time permitting I will get down on my hands and knees and scour, clean, wipe and freshen, I will, but so far, havenít and a mess has formed, a pile and piles and crud beneath that I canít see but I know itís there, a lining of it beneath everything, and I know itís my fault and my responsibility, must get the proper sprays and solutions, to disinfect and spruce up before it grows, gets out of control, before it overwhelms me and guests, if I had guests, and maybe thatís why, why Iíve become complacent, ignored it, learned to live with it maybe, learned to like it, too, or perhaps detest confronting it, live with it, let it multiply and reproduce right alongside me now, until itís on me, perhaps it already is, canít tell the difference anymore, canít see, maybe guests canít see either anymore, if I had any, maybe everyone blind to it, and deaf and used to the smell and living in it, not displeased, not noticing, the everyday stench the usual aroma, the air in the room, what wafts in from outside, the air I breathe, you breathe, they breathe, if I had a they, and who to clean for, becomes the question, just me here and them there, them there that keeps seeping in, them out there that tells me whatís right and whatís good and what to do to ensure freshness, and them out there that never visit, telling me how to maintain, how to eviscerate personal odor, how to clear the room, clear the head, banish unpleasantness, think clean thoughts and reflect that, my personal living space is a reflection of me, and I will get around to it, have scheduled a time, know it needs maintenance, canít go on like this, but wonít take long, wonít when I get down to it, just follow instructions, so many instructions, they all give instructions, them out there to me in here, do it this way, and shine here, polish there, make it presentable, and I will, I keep saying, I will and now itís up to my ankles or is it my ears, but canít spot it, canít see it, right under my nose and canít smell it, all around me and I awake to it, have no problem with it, maybe itís their problem, not mine, but need soap and deodorant and personal hygiene to be with who, with myself, and guests if they come, and so all will be ready and waiting, spic and span, up to snuff, because I cannot relax, cannot forget it, cannot ease down into an easy chair until I, sweep here and there, suck the carpet, remove dust and dust and where does the dust go, not my dust, didnít invite the dust, so surrounded now by dead things, decomposed things, once living things now dust, not my fault, not my guests, intruders really, but Iíll buy the products, wipe them away, buy the towels, wipe myself off, a thorough cleansing, soon or whenever, whenever itís absolutely necessary, maybe yesterday, to keep the sweat from drying and flaking, keep the holes free of what accumulates, the scum that builds, in corners, we all have corners, and crevices, must get in there, to the nitty gritty, will do what I need to, not miss a spot, or else it gets late, becomes more than a chore, becomes a hurdle, to keep up, keep up appearances, maintain the pace, the pace that they set, they out there so me in here can follow, must keep up, with them, with others, with ghosts and phantoms of people, none that I know, not even used to know, but clean, sparkling clean, they are, them out there, perfect faces and scrubbed, teeth so white I shield my eyes, brilliant teeth, from the products I need to buy, must get to the store, must but havenít, turning yellow soon, or have already, havenít looked, so many pieces to keep an eye on, the teeth and the carpet, and the tiny creeping hairs, Iíve noticed, because they told me to look for them and I looked, I found them, strands, wisps from my nose, how could I know they were there, how unless I looked like they told me, and how could I find them uncurling from my ears like a Third Word infection, need to inspect and discover and need the products, theyíve told me already, theyíve sent me coupons, theyíve pointed the way, them out there to me in here, laid it all out, gave me directions, instructions, easy as a dot to dot, connect the dots, fill in the blanks, color the numbers, what have I been doing, not reading the manual, not listening, not paying attention, and now, now Iím behind, Iím not making progress, not in the game, not eligible for prizes, and what will happen, thatís the question, what, though itís always something, Iíve noticed, something always happens, nothing good, more accumulation, more dust, more thoughts like dust, more words that rust from not using them, no guests to listen, so why is the question, not what, why, there is always a what, no lack of a what, dirt and filth and waste are the what, and I can listen anytime I want, can turn on tune in and follow the bouncing ball, get the message, always being broadcast, hear it loud and clear, clean up time, so yes I am preparing, in my mind I chase dust and swat at dust and dust off important stuff, the things we need to live, I will dust and polish them, not just clean but shiny, brilliant like teeth on TV, and shine the floor and the walls and still not get the message, listen listen listen but donít hear, donít speak the language, them out there, and ineligible for whatís behind door number two, undeserving even of parting gifts, hair out of place, hair out my ear out my nose out my ass, and deserve to be alone, in here not out there, not in touch, not keeping track, canít keep up, havenít read the news, seen the news, made the news, whose news, theirs out there, they keep saying is mine in here, but donít see the connection, after all itís the connection that counts, isnít it, after all after everything, after the whole shebang, the whole big bang, and have not banged, not touched, am I the only one here?

         I may have missed something, part of the puzzle, details at nine, but Iím confused, donít know the question, will watch, not watch, watch again, no difference, believe, not believe, believe again, no difference, truth changes to lies to truth again, forget when I tuned in, at the truth or the lie, not sure, must check the schedule, their schedule, them out there, Iím not on it, donít follow it, follow it, no difference, tuned in at the lie, turned to truth, their truth, them out there, fear Iíve lost the truth, but have no fear, they will tell me the truth, gets blurred, gets distorted, forget it, lost my place, theyíll find it, put me right, put me on a pill, a product for it, no problem, clear my head, this is today, time is now, place is here, get oriented, stay connected, they have the answers, itís all spelled out, must have looked away, just a moment, when it was revealed, what did they say, must be here somewhere, or someone knows, someone not coming over, a guest or acquaintance, has the answer, on a schedule, due soon, official story coming, will know enough to go on, move in the right direction, follow the rest, and onward, down the yellow brick road, over the rainbow, to the moon, around the block, can see the finish line, if they donít move the goalposts, change the rules, start over, do not pass go, around and around, time for a dose, to stay the course, follow the leader, easy as one two three, just do what they tell me, add to the list, make a note, a reminder, something to jar my memory, ring a bell, and so never go wrong, just trust them out there, the big names, and bigger names, worth more, and who do we listen to, them that know, them out there, Net relays it and TV speaks it and paper says it, must be true, or will turn to truth, neighbor repeats it, parents mouth it, friends or no friends discuss it, guests bring it with them when they do not arrive, and whatís to discuss, whatís the issue, whatís the problem, all in agreement, canít be left out, facts are facts, itís in the fine print, I already know what they are trying to tell me, it gets mixed up, gets jumbled from repetition, like the old telephone game, gets scrambled from mouth to ear, did I hear right, maybe thatís it, maybe misheard the important part, theyíll play it again, say it again, just wait for it to come around, what goes around, ring around the rosy, maybe itís a rhyme, simple as true blue, I know it already, knew it once, gave much thought to it, whatever it was that they told me, them out there, they told me the truth once and I keep expecting them to tell me again, it slips my mind, slips away, too easy to hold onto, slip slip slippery, nothing to contemplate, donít think twice, donít try, let it go and itíll come back, but when, and can I wait, is there a need to know, am I out of the loop, am I the only one who doesnít know?

         So Iím a mess and ill informed, ill formed, from them out there, slipping in through the cracks, to me in here, and the facade is crumbling, canít hold the wall up anymore, the boundaries are collapsing, plugging leaks and crevices, holding back the tumult, tide is rising, from all directions, constant, no let up, surrounded, they are coming for me, louder always louder, I know by now, must comply, buy the product and apply it, thirty minutes to the full effect, wash away everything, ten out of ten surveyed agreed, works every time, one-hundred percent effective, no margin of error, restores balance, gets me back in the game, their game, them out there, could be my game, play the game I say and repeat after me, why wonít I listen, what do I know, has anybody told me, nobody who stopped by, no one I asked out there, references they all want references, and I will talk to someone about it, make an appointment, see a professional, get an expert opinion, make a decision, get started, get back on track, get with it, yes, with it not against it, though even against it is some form of with it, canít get out of it, thatís the truth, right there and Iíve hit upon it, them out there didnít tell me, discovered for myself, inner truth, must tell someone, canít let it go unnoticed, too important to discard, Iíll write it down, make a note, expound upon it, tell them all, them out there, when they get here, though no one is expected, wonít need to say anything, just show them, have it here, on a notepad, itís that simple.








© 2004-2012 Underground Voices